Read the shocking transcripts of the “far worse” banter of Bill Clinton while golfing with Donald Trump

After getting caught using ribald phrases like “grab her by the pussy” in a leaked conversation with Billy Bush, Donald Trump defended his raunchy banter as mere “locker room talk” and said he’d heard “far worse” from Bill Clinton during golfing expeditions. Then the Trump campaign, shockingly, produced a pretty sketchy “audio cassette” of said banter (ostensibly from a golf outing in 1993) that sounds suspiciously like Mad TV cut-up Frank Caliendo doing both voices, and, to be honest, not particularly well, but we nevertheless felt obligated to deliver this transcript of the recordings all the same:

Bill Clinton: Hey Trump, did you see that bartender? I would love to scoop her vagina.

Donald Trump: Please, Mr. Clinton. You’re the President! I find such language offensive to women. Think of your daughter and mother!

Bill Clinton: What can I say? In addition to being the worst abuser of women ever, which is just a fact, you can ask anybody, I am just a shameless vagina scooper! I scoops them up by their vaginas like the Arkansas madman that I am! That’s what I like about these high school girls: I scoop up their vaginas, and they stay the same age.

Donald Trump: That doesn’t even make sense! Please, stop with the potty talk! I know this is just locker room banter among two consenting adults, no different from what goes on in a church or a preschool every morning, but that doesn’t make it right for you, Bill Clinton, to be so disgusting! Not to mention for your wife to do Benghazi and 9/11 and all of the emails and what about who killed Vince Foster?

Bill Clinton: This is a strange conversation for us to be having in, what, 1993? But let’s get back to my favorite topic: vagina scooping. There are many different philosophies on the best way to scoop a vagina.

Donald Trump: Please, I must cut you off, Mr. President! Even though we are merely engaged in wildly appropriate, even admirable and healthy locker-room banter, the kind every single man in the world engages in every day, I am drawing a line. I will not stand here and let you use vile, reprehensible terms like “vagina scooper.” The worst I’ll allow is talking about grabbing women by their pussies. Take it or leave it. That may seem like a strange linguistic line in the sand to draw, but I will not budge.

Bill Clinton: Oh, all right. But something tells me this is going to be a long eighteen holes. And we’re only on the second one.

Donald Trump: Oh, stop complaining, you old vagina scooper!

Both men cackle maniacally, light up big cigars and go back to playing golf

Nathan Rabin is the author of the new e-book 7 Days In Ohio: Trump, The Gathering Of The Juggalos and the Summer the Whole World Went Insane