President Trump, fire Santa Claus!

Dear President Elect Trump,

You ran as a fierce opponent of the politically correct, “Everybody gets a trophy” establishment mindset of D.C and beyond. So in this, the Christmas season, I ask you to act on your fervently stated beliefs and use your power to fire the ultimate fat-cat figure of establishment incompetence: Santa Claus.

Like your own Barron, my son Declan is good with the cyber so he’s been watching a lot of Christmas documentaries, some of them animated. He’s been watching The Paw Patrol Save Christmas and Super Why Save Christmas and Heathcliff And The Gang Save Christmas and Jabberjaw And Richard Simmons Save Christmas and Ernest Saves Christmas and the controversial Christ Saves Christmas. In each of these non-fiction exposes, an overweight, confused and badly overwhelmed Kris Kringle consistently proves a complete disaster as a magical gift-giver. In story after story, this red-clad clown needs to be bailed out from his own idiocy by everyone from an animated version of the late 1970s Harlem Globetrotters to, in the case of Paw Patrol, a series of hyper-intelligent baby dogs abetted by a technology-adept urchin who violates all child labor laws as the savior of his hometown of Adventure Bay.

In these heartbreaking indictments of Santa’s constant breakdowns and consistently poor work performance, kind-hearted Liberals generally find Santa’s raging stupidity oddly endearing. Instead of holding him accountable and beating him about the chest and face with their fists, they share a laugh and smile as they deliver all of his gifts on Christmas Eve while he’s probably seeking out anonymous sex on a dating app while pretending to be stuck behind a bank of snow.

You’re a strong proponent of school choice. What about Santa choice? Santa is a fat-cat bureaucrat who can smile his twinkly smile and shake his belly like a bowl of jelly because he knows that he has the job for eternity and that no matter how consistently he screws up, someone will always be around to save Christmas and learn the true meaning of the season. Why not open the job of Santa up to competition? I think the Trump corporation could do a better job of handling world-wide magical Christmas-Eve christmas distribution than a walking heart attack trapped in a complete disaster of a sham marriage to a matronly woman who’s a 5 at best. I hear people say they haven’t been intimate in decades, if not centuries, though looking at those faces and those bodies, who can blame them?

Mr. Trump, you like to say, “Merry Christmas” to everyone this time of year, especially people who don’t appear to be Christian. And you like to say it with an aggressive, hostile and vaguely threatening air, to really drive home that this is a Christian country and that people who aren’t Christian shouldn’t feel welcome or comfortable here, especially under your administration. You also like to scowl and punch your fist menacingly while hissing “Merry Christmas” at immigrants and people you suspect may not have voted for you. Yet I ask you to say two other words you love to say to the fat, incompetent sack of shit who lets down children year after year, in Christmas-themed television documentary after Christmas-themed television documentary: You’re fired.

Thanks,

Nathan and all good Christians

Nathan Rabin is a father, columnist and the author of five books, most recently 7 Days In Ohio: Trump, the Gathering of the Juggalos and the Summer Everything Went Insane