A Completely Fake Oral History of the Epic Tila Tequila/Billy Corgan Romance

As some may know, Tila Tequila and Billy Corgan, our greatest artists AND greatest political thinkers, briefly dated. Little is known about this odd couple and their relationship so I decided to make up this completely fake oral history of this romance for the ages.

Billy Corgan: I’ll never forget Tila’s opening line. She said, “I’m a bisexual Asian immigrant but I’m also a white supremacist who hates Jews. #Complicated.” What a character! She was like Annie Hall, if she thought Alvy Singer should end up in a concentration camp.

Tila Tequila: There were so many things that attracted me to Corgan: his fame, his money. But I was just as turned on by his wealth and celebrity. This was really a dude with a fuckton of money who everybody knew. And I think he was impressed that I was a famous person he could have sex with.

Billy Corgan: For our first date, we saw Triumph Of The Will at the Music Box. I’m a total documentary nut, so I was into it. I’m not gonna lie. We didn’t see a whole lot of the movie because we were so damn busy making out but every once in a while Tequila would pause to cheer or scream “Heil Hitler!” or give the screen a Nazi salute. I love movies too so this was a really ideal first date.

Tila Tequila: At the end of the night, I’d give him a kiss, and a blow job, and a hand job and say, “You’re MY Aryan ideal.”

Billy Corgan: Pretty early on, Tila told me that due to an earlier trauma, she was unable to achieve sexual satisfaction unless Juggalos were throwing projectiles at her. I just smiled a big smile and said, “I can work with that.”

Tila Tequila: Billy is such a sweetheart! He put out an anonymous ad on Craigslist for Juggalos to hurl projectiles at Tila as part of foreplay and a good dozen people signed on. There’s nothing like having people in face paint hurl open jars of human excrement at you to get a girl in the mood.

Billy Corgan: We’d have Alex Jones on in the background to really get us feeling frisky, and then at a certain point the Juggalos would enter the bedroom and start throwing things at Tila. I invited them to stay and watch us have sex, but they just took their money and left quickly, mumbling something about having seen things they could never un-see. We tried to get them to come back for more sex play but they kept insisting “there are things even a Juggalo won’t do.”

Jimmy Chamberlin (Former Smashing Pumpkins drummer): One afternoon Billy called me out of the blue and said, “The Smashing Pumpkins are now you, me, Tila Tequlia, Johnny Depp and Corey Feldman. We’re recording an album of Skrewdriver covers tomorrow. You’ll be sharing drum duties with Tila, who has never played drums but says she’s fucked more drummers than any other musician.” I didn’t know what to say but a minute or so later Billy fired me again and told me that Tila was now dead to him. It was probably the healthiest conversation we’d ever had.”

Billy Corgan: Tila was quirky and fun, kind of like a cross between a Manic Pixie Dream Girl and Eva Braun. She was so silly! One day she’d crack me up by skipping down the street. The next day she’d be goose-stepping down main street in her sexiest Nazi fetish wear.

Tila Tequila: I honestly thought we’d last forever, like Myspace and my commitment to white supremacy. But when I brought up getting married, having children, him re-drawing his will to name me the only beneficiary of his fortune and then me killing him for his money, he suddenly got cold feet.

Billy Corgan: While I was excited by how fun and unpredictable and spontaneous and deeply unhinged Tequila could be, I was worried that she kept talking about killing me for my money. That, ultimately, was the deal breaker, but I will always treasure our week and a half together and what might have been.

Tila Tequila: I still haven’t given up on murdering him for his money, and I’m willing to wait a few years to make that happen.

Nathan Rabin is a dad, columnist and the author of five books, most recently 7 Days In Ohio: Trump, the Gathering of the Juggalos and the Summer Everything Went Insane